I’ve personally had my own battle with suicidal thoughts in the past so I have some genuine input to give on the topic.
I’m also a student of theology, I’ll have my associates degree by next summer so God and suicide are both near and dear to my heart.
About 4 years ago, give or take, I was going through a really hard time in my life.
This was around the time I realized what the heck Trich was because I couldn’t stop twisting and pulling my hair under stress.
It had subsided somewhat in my 20’s but it came back full force in my 30’s.
I had always been a hair twister and puller but it got really, really bad during this time when all the shit in my life was hitting the fan.
I had just moved to Arizona from California because my income was dropping fast.
I’ve worked online for years as a content writer and affiliate marketer and some bad stuff was happening.
Long story short, I found myself in a new state with no friends and family and life was sinking fast financially, emotionally and psychologically.
That’s when the suicidal thoughts hit me hard!
I felt like a complete failure.
I had taken this risk with my family by moving us out of state in order to try to make our lives better by lowering our cost of living.
At the time, that decision was biting me in the ass, or so it seemed.
I found myself feeling like I was just a worthless piece of poop.
I loved my family and I felt like I had just done bad to them.
I can remember sitting on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out, seriously contemplating death.
At the time, I was a saved.
I believed in Jesus.
But I had this thought in my head that if I did kill myself, I wouldn’t go to heaven.
**please keep reading further because that thought wasn’t true but I’m trying to tell the story here**
The thought of not going to heaven stopped me.
I knew that I wouldn’t see my kids EVER again if I did that.
or… at least that was my reasoning at the time that kept me from killing myself.
I got very angry with God.
I was like, “why are you letting me suffer here?”
“Why if I killed myself to end this suffering would you not accept me?”
So, angry as I was with God, I didn’t kill myself because of that logic.
I’m glad I didn’t either, because that really was the turning point for a lot of things in my life.
So, lets fast forward a bit…
I wanna answer the question of whether or not God will send you to hell if you kill yourself but first you kinda have to see the backstory of WHY I know the real answer now so keep reading, please…
I’m now living a better life than ever in Arizona, I have a big, two-story home, a pool, two cars, you name it.. life is good now…
I found this amazing Pastor on TV, Joseph Prince and I started reading all his books.
I found an amazing grace-based church and started attending Sundays and all the pieces started to come together.
I’m now in college for theology because I can’t get enough of the things of God…
Well, one night at school the answer to the question of being hell-bound after suicide came up…
I didn’t ask the question, someone else did but I immediately knew that God was about to reveal something to me.
My whole life people had told me you would go to hell if you killed yourself and that made me angry with God.
I was a good person, dealing with a lot of stuff and I loved God very much but I still wanted to die…
So how could a good God send me to hell if I loved Him and accepted His son as my Savior?
Then God Answered Me!
The teacher answered…
“If Jesus is your Lord and Savior, you wouldn’t go to hell if you killed yourself”
That answer made me break down in tears.
God was finally answering me after all these years!
You know why He finally answered me?
Because had I known the truth back then, I might have done it.
I might have killed myself, we’ll never know?
But now that I have stronger foundation in God’s Word and His Grace, I don’t want to die.
I’m grateful to be alive because I have purpose!
I know now that I can truly face anything because Jesus is always with me.
I have the same power that raised Jesus from the dead living inside me, I don’t have to ever feel that way again.
While I still battle Trich at the moment, I know that I’m going to defeat this too.
I’ve confessed it with my mouth and I believe it with my heart that I will be rid of Trich!
So will God send you to hell if you kill yourself?
The answer is – it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with Jesus.
Is Jesus your savior?
Do you believe in Him, and that He died for your sins?
If you do, you’re saved from Hell no matter what you do in this life, even if you kill yourself.
I am not advocating suicide here.
But the truth is the truth.
When you accepted Christ, you became forever His.
If you are feeling suicidal, you should definitely seek help right away.
Tell someone you trust, call a hotline, don’t be alone!
God loves you!
He loves you no matter what you’ve done or what you’re going through!
And I hope over the next several blog post to touch more on the love of God for people battling Trich.
There’s freedom from suicidal thoughts when you stop and focus on God’s love.
How can you focus on God’s love?
Turn on the TV, find a Pastor named “Joseph Prince” and watch him!
Watch him til you can’t watch no more and then watch him again tomorrow and the next day and every day after that.
It’s a start. A good start.
Don’t have a TV? He’s on YouTube.
If you don’t like videos, get his books.
The reason I am pointing to JP is because I know all his books, I’ve read them all and he’s the person that showed me the love of God so clearly I couldn’t deny it.
That’s what we need to hear when we’re so down we want to die.
We need to hear that God loves us, accepts us and won’t ever leave us no matter what!
Suicide is serious but God loves you no matter what you do and He accepts you based on whether or not you accepted Jesus, and nothing else.
If Jesus is your savior and you killed yourself, you would go to be with Him.
My prayer though as I’m writing this is that you will want to explore the love and grace of God more with me so that you don’t have to have these sorts of questions and thoughts anymore, not so you’ll be comfortable dying.
I also think that it needs to be clear to people that their salvation is eternal and not based on anything other than you’re believing Jesus is your savior.
We have to stop being so self focused with our religious ideas because no where in the bible does it say you’re going to hell if you kill yourself.
But I really don’t want to you to kill yourself because I know that Jesus died to give you a more abundant life on this earth and I want you to experience it!
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