The Menstraul Monster

My period is back. It actually came back at 4 months postpartum (I’m 9 months PP now) and I am still exclusively breastfeeding my baby. I have no idea why it came back so early, usually, I get at least a year after having a baby?

With my period came so many triggers for my trich that I almost forgot about because I had been pretty much pregnant all last year.

My Hair FEELS Different

I forgot how my hair feels this time of the month. The whole texture of it changes during this time. I can’t really explain it, but I can’t keep my hands off it.

I really have to be AWARE of my hair pulling because it’s intensified immensely right now.

I’ve been trying to wear my hair back in a pony tail and away from my face but unconsciously I will take out bits of it and pull. ESPECIALLY while breastfeeding or driving in the car.

Awareness is key. I have got to be more aware of what I’m doing because I don’t want to do this anymore.

Even this morning in the car on the way to take my boys to school, I caught myself in a moment pulling and had a major internal struggle to stop. Stop it, Lesley. Stop it. Why are you doing this again!!?? Sometimes I just want to smack myself silly for it.

I’m Blindsided by Mood Swings

Along with the intense urges to touch my hair I also get blindsided by horrible mood swings. I don’t mean to be such a raging bitch, it just comes out of me.

It starts with me feeling overwhelmed, which seems to happen a lot more this time of the month.

I have 4 very active boys and they all demand my attention and it can give me anxiety when they all start coming at me at once. They’re not even doing anything wrong, I just get overwhelmed by the demands, and then my mood shifts.

Yesterday, my poor husband took the brunt of my bitch monster over my HabitAware bracelets.

I NEED these bracelets back in my life because I’ve lost all awareness.

For months I stopped wearing them and I need to start over but there’s setup required.

It’s not hard, it’s just something that takes my full attention, which I never seem to have anymore.

Technology itself overwhelms me, especially the set-up of devices. Sounds dumb to some people because my whole life is built around this computer but I easily get frustrated when I can’t give my whole attention to tech stuff.

So yesterday I was trying to set up my hair pulling bracelets again and the baby started crying.

I didn’t think much of it the first few seconds because my husband was home and was with him … I thought.

I thought wrong.

After a minute of his screaming, I started calling for my husband who didn’t respond at all.

He went outside to pick up dog poop.

I grabbed the baby who was screaming and just freaked out.

I freaked out on him, I freaked out on everyone.

I put the baby in his stroller and proceeded to go for a walk.

My husband tried to de-escalate the situation on the spot but I had already lost my mind.

I really don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me? I don’t know why I can’t just calm down and not lose my shit.

For months I have been under so much stress because I never get a break.

All I wanted to do was have 10 minutes to myself to set up my HabitAware bracelets.

This is the year I want to take care of myself!!!

I freaked out.

I went for a two-mile walk and came home better than I was because my husband sent the sweetest, kindest text message.

The man is amazing. I love him with all my heart and he just has this way of always bringing me back and restoring my mental health at the moment. I’m so grateful for him.

I’m going to get back on track this year, I’m not going to let my period stop me every month.

Being a woman with trichotillomania is hard, the menstrual monster wants to throw a huge monkey wrench in my progress.

Awareness is my weapon. If I’m going to get a grip on this hair-pulling disorder I have to be aware of my mood and my hands.

I finally got my Keen2 bracelet on. I actually have two, but I’m starting with one because I don’t want to overwhelm myself. I’ll add the second one in maybe next week. (I plan to update you on all the cool new features too once I break it in a while longer.)

I don’t want to pull, I really don’t.

My menstrual cycle hasn’t really been consistent since it came back, I do keep track of it in an app on my phone but I never know when it’s going to come. The last one was almost 7 weeks late and the app asked me if I wanted to switch to pregnancy mode?! Fuck no, I don’t want to switch to pregnancy mode.

I’ve had three periods in five months. All of them caught me by surprise because I don’t really get horrible PMS and even though I track it, it’s never “on schedule.”

Since having the baby I haven’t really taken care of myself and I stopped taking my vitamins and supplements altogether. I used to take vitamins, NAC, and CBD oil every day, and then I just stopped caring.

Postpartum depression REALLY hits me hard and on top of it, I know have the monthly cycle I’m dealing with.

I’m taking my healing journey with this one day at a time.

I am not condemning myself for my actions.

I don’t want any daily routine to feel religiously forced, which I do to myself. Rather I want my healthy habits to just be natural and on autopilot.

I know once I get back to taking care of myself, my period will return to a normal monthly cycle that I can predict better. It’s been hard not knowing when it’s coming because all of a sudden I am hit with these emotions and physical changes that I have to deal with in the midst of just trying to survive each day.

Living with trichotillomania and anxiety is overwhelming enough! Menstrual cycles don’t help.