My Fear of Talking To People Birthed A Big Secret

I suffer from social anxiety in a big way.

I avoid a lot of conversations with people that I probably SHOULD BE having.

I could write a book on the things that I don’t say. If anyone can keep a BIG secret, it’s me.

I hid my hair pulling for years, and in a way, I still kind of do. Other than the people in our trich community, I don’t talk much about this part of my life. I don’t talk much about a lot of things.

There’s a lot of reasons *I think* I bury the important issues; most of which stem from insecurity.

Since my divorce, I have become even more reclusive because I didn’t want to deal with the reactions of other people.

I like keeping to myself, I like this little bubble of protection I have going. It’s comfortable for me to just avoid hard conversations and confrontations with anyone.

The secret I was keeping was building on so many other unsaid things going on in my life. A lot of people in my life didn’t even know I was divorced. Most people in my life have no clue I’m remarried. And the doozie of all “unspoken” things going on in my life…

“drum roll..”

I got pregnant.

Now that was a hard conversation to have with anyone because not many people even knew I was remarried, or even divorced from my last husband for that matter.

I totally keep to myself. I was “socially distancing” before this COVID thing.

COVID actually made my reclusive behavior worse because it enabled it. All the sudden, anti-social was the new norm and staying home was the “in-thing” to do. YASSS!!!! Now that’s a world I want to live in.

My little web of “unspoken” truth goes further than just being divorced and remarried. In this time of hiding, I also GOT PREGNANT.

Yep. My new husband and I got pregnant.

So here I am..

• Selling my house
• Divorced
• Re-married
• Pregnant at 40

and MOST of the people in my life do not know because I have kept it all to myself.

This is nothing new for me, it’s just that A LOT of MAJOR THINGS happened in a short period of time that I didn’t talk about.

I don’t talk to anyone about anything.

When I got pregnant, I didn’t want to talk about it.

It’s not that I wasn’t happy, because I was, I just didn’t want anyone to piss on my parade and the thought of telling people gave me major anxiety.

I told my best friend and that was it. She’s the only person I can tell anything too and she will support me.

At this point, so many people didn’t know anything going on in my life that I just kept silent because talking to people about these things gives me major anxiety.

I tend to avoid putting myself in situations that make me anxious, it’s become a way of life.

I take being an introvert to a whole new level that most didn’t know existed.

I hid a pregancy!

Now my husband on the other hand was super duper excited about the baby. He was actually a little hurt I wasn’t saying anything.

We’ve only been married a short time so he wasn’t aware of this anxiety I have of telling people major things.

He was the one that ended up telling my parents because I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He was also the one who told my parents we were engaged and when we eloped.

My parents have been super supportive through all my trials these last couple of years and there’s really no reason I wasn’t telling them things other than this anxiety I have about having discussions about major life events.

I have no fucking clue why I am this way. It’s like my mouth doesn’t open and words don’t come out.

I have a lot of irrational thoughts and fears that surface when I even think about “personal conversations.”

I’m sure all these anxieties are connected in some way? Maybe instead of talking about things, I bury them and pull my hair?

All the insecurity and fears seem to lead me to these anxieties manifesting themselves in different ways.

The whole pregancy was pretty much kept in the dark.

I went into hiding.

I didn’t go to very many places and when I did have to be around people I know, I hid my belly under my clothing.

It was wintertime and wearing big clothes and scarves was totally in – no one ever noticed. I felt like one of those teenagers hiding their pregnancy, except this is worse, I’m not a kid, I’m 40 years old!

As I got further along in the pregnancy I started getting really anxious because now the baby is almost here and most people don’t even know about him.

That thought made me so sad and depressed, but the anxious feeling I got when I thought of telling people was so overwhelming I couldn’t do it.

The whole situation was fucked up!

I never realized that anxiety would be able to control me to the point where I couldn’t speak, not even about something as important as this.

On April 1st (no fooling) we gave birth to a son in my bathtub.

Yes, in my bathtub.

It was just the two of us.

I have a lot of anxiety surrounding people looking at my “private parts” because of things that happened when I was a kid.

I have my babies at home because I don’t want anyone hanging around me or my vagina.

A baby is born. Now what?

Rather than hide the baby his whole life, I decided to go public on Facebook after a really long hiatus from posting. In one shot, I made the announcement to pretty much everyone I know.

I did it this way to basically rip off the bandaid of silence quickly.

I never really meant to hide the whole pregnancy from anyone, I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I was in a mental lockdown and all the fear, anxiety, insecurity, and hormones gripped me and left me speechless.