For as long as I can remember, I’ve been very insecure about my body, since childhood.
These thoughts literally consume me 24/7 during my postpartum period.
If you’ve ever suffered from eating disorders and negative body image issues and then had a baby, you know what I mean.
Postpartum depression is almost unavoidable when you suffer from a negative body image.
It’s amplified 100 BILLION TIMES after having a baby.
All these negative thoughts are a major trigger for my hair pulling.
I will sit there at war with myself and start pulling out my hair without even feeling it or noticing what I’m doing.
There’s this non-audible voice in my head constantly attacking me, there isn’t a moment of peace throughout the day.
I can’t eat anything without calculating whether it will make me fatter or not.
I think the hardest time of the day for me is when I get out of the shower.
Not only am I faced with myself naked but I also have to dress myself.
I’m in this awkward stage where I either have to wear maternity clothes or squeeze really hard into my old clothes – the thought of both make me depressed.
Why do I attack myself so much? I wish I could tell you why I did this. I ask myself ALL THE TIME – “why are you doing this to yourself?!”
One negative thought after another until I beat myself down into a sad child sitting in the corner sucking her thumb and pulling out her hair.
It’s really disgusting how I treat myself because I would never say to anyone the things I say to myself.
I really feel like I have mentally spiraled out of control since having the baby.
Sleep deprivation definitely plays it’s part too.
I have been going non-stop since the baby was born and there’s been no time for self-care.
I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel so unworthy of any love at all.
I thank God I at least realize when I’m getting too deep in my own darkness.
I have to go back to the basics, bust out my toolkit and give this battle CONTINUALLY to the Lord.
I am so sick and tired of attacking myself mentally and physically.
Negative thoughts are leading me to negative habits and I really want to stop it.
It’s crazy how easy it is to fall back into bad habits.
When I was pregnant I told myself, “I’m not going to be depressed this time, I’m not!”
And here we are.
I need to arm myself better than I have.
Physically and mentally.
- I’ve got some new Keen2 bracelets coming soon (thank you Aneela).
- I’m reading good positive books and going to social media less.
- I’m taking small walks with the baby to get fresh air.
- I’m getting consistent with my vitamins and supplements.
- I’m trying to get more sleep.
- I’m trying not to obsess over every bite of food I take.
I really don’t want to hate myself anymore.
I want to finally accept myself for who I am and what I look like.