Negative Body Image Issues Triggering Trichotillomania and PPD

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been very insecure about my body, since childhood.

These thoughts literally consume me 24/7 during my postpartum period.

If you’ve ever suffered from eating disorders and negative body image issues and then had a baby, you know what I mean.

Postpartum depression is almost unavoidable when you suffer from a negative body image.

It’s amplified 100 BILLION TIMES after having a baby.

All these negative thoughts are a major trigger for my hair pulling.

I will sit there at war with myself and start pulling out my hair without even feeling it or noticing what I’m doing.

There’s this non-audible voice in my head constantly attacking me, there isn’t a moment of peace throughout the day.

I can’t eat anything without calculating whether it will make me fatter or not.

I think the hardest time of the day for me is when I get out of the shower.

Not only am I faced with myself naked but I also have to dress myself.

I’m in this awkward stage where I either have to wear maternity clothes or squeeze really hard into my old clothes – the thought of both make me depressed.

Why do I attack myself so much? I wish I could tell you why I did this. I ask myself ALL THE TIME – “why are you doing this to yourself?!”

One negative thought after another until I beat myself down into a sad child sitting in the corner sucking her thumb and pulling out her hair.

It’s really disgusting how I treat myself because I would never say to anyone the things I say to myself.

I really feel like I have mentally spiraled out of control since having the baby.

There were 4 deaths in the family within 7 weeks of the birth.

Sleep deprivation definitely plays it’s part too.

I have been going non-stop since the baby was born and there’s been no time for self-care.

I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel so unworthy of any love at all.

I thank God I at least realize when I’m getting too deep in my own darkness.

I have to go back to the basics, bust out my toolkit and give this battle CONTINUALLY to the Lord.

I am so sick and tired of attacking myself mentally and physically.

Negative thoughts are leading me to negative habits and I really want to stop it.

It’s crazy how easy it is to fall back into bad habits.

When I was pregnant I told myself, “I’m not going to be depressed this time, I’m not!”

And here we are.

I need to arm myself better than I have.

Physically and mentally.

• I’ve got some new Keen2 bracelets coming soon (thank you Aneela).
• I’m reading good positive books and going to social media less.
• I’m taking small walks with the baby to get fresh air.
• I’m getting consistent with my vitamins and supplements.
• I’m trying to get more sleep.
• I’m trying not to obsess over every bite of food I take.

I really don’t want to hate myself anymore.

I want to finally accept myself for who I am and what I look like.