In less than two months there have been four deaths in my family.
All this death right after having a baby has my anxiety through the roof.
I can’t even process my feeling most days and it makes it hard to manage my hair pulling and other BFRB’s.
I find myself pulling at my hair constantly while I’m off in some trance of thoughts.
I had a lot of my hair pulling under control for a while but then so much happened and I feel like all the progress slowly unraveled even though I really tried for it not to.
And now, with the death of four loved ones in such a short time, I feel like I just can’t stop pulling anymore.
I lost my grandma, my uncle, my mother-in-law and my favorite dog ever in a matter of 7 weeks.
I literally just had a baby and then got hit with all this death in the family.
I didn’t even get a chance to process the death before I got hit with another.
I can’t even think most days, I feel like it’s just been go-go-go since I had the baby and I’m not mentally healthy at all.
I am tearing up all the time, my eyes are so sore.
We had to travel all over the place with a newborn for the death of our family members just to come home to my beloved puppy in the hospital fighting for her life.
The death of my dog was absolutey the most sudden, horrible thing ever.
She passed away a day after I got home from a long as trip to say goodbye to my mother in law.
Hair-Pulling After Someone Dies.
I feel like I’m in a fight for my mind most days.
I am subconsicously pulling my hair again because my headspace is majorly cluttered.
My mind wanders into memories and places of regret over the loss of these loved ones.
I start fidgeting and unintentionally pulling my hair as a way of dealing with the stress I feel inside.
What’s worse is, when I finally do see that I’m pulling my hair, I get too depressed to stop.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I really don’t know. I start having this whirlwind of negative emotions that don’t serve me at all.
But at least I know it and I know I need to confront it.
I have to CHOOSE whether or not I’m going to continue to pull OR distract my hands?
I don’t want to destroy myself in my depression, I really don’t. I thank God I have His Spirit inside to lead me out of these dark places I wander to.
I don’t want to do bad things to myself because I’m sad.
I think I get into this “fuck it” attitude when it comes to coping with my stress. At 40 years old, I can’t do that to myself anymore. My mental health management has to start again.
Dealing with Death While Managing My Hair Pulling.
I have to go back to the basics, I have to start doing the things I know work – no matter how depressed I am – I need to work towards redirecting my negative habits.
- I have started reading again. I picked up an encouraging book on God’s grace that I really need right now. Instead of wandering off to social media like I was doing, I’m going to start reading uplifting books again! I needed to start filtering out what doesn’t serve my mental health.
- I am starting over in my trichotillomania journal again.
- I am pulling my hair back out of my face at all times. At night, I am wearing my headwrap so I don’t pull.
- I need to start wearing my Keen bracelets again because I need a nudge when I’m pulling. I am doing this behavior subconsciously and the bracelets can help me stop before I do it.
- I need to begin working on redirecting my hands to more positive places. This is the hardest thing to do because it requires patience with the process.
- I’ve also started taking some herbs to help calm my nerves when my anxiety gets super high. Trichotillomania and anxiety are a ferocious combination to deal with, top that with postpartum hormone drops and I have been the perfect storm for hair pulling.
I let myself go.
I was doing so good and then so much happened to me recently that I lost control of what I managed for so long.
I desperately want to get back on track using the tools that I know work but I pray I can give myself LOTS of grace when I mess up.