I Was Hearing Voices Telling Me To Die!

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I’ve mentioned previously that this year has been really tough on me.

In the beginning of the year I saw in the spirit, the enemy shooting holes in my money bag.

Slowly as the year has unfolded, that has certainly been a reality for me.

I’ve been standing in faith but there’s something that I wasn’t doing…

**I’m gonna say some things here that might seem out there but then again, maybe it won’t?**

A couple days ago I found myself in a really bad mental state.

I couldn’t really shake it, it hit me out of nowhere like a black cloud just rolled in over me.

I felt like I was under attack – but it wasn’t a physical one.

I went to bed feeling very heavy and the very next morning, I woke up in the fight of my life..

I was fighting a man in my sleep but I felt awake and the man was trying to strangle me.

This was very real, very tangible for me.

I jumped out of bed fighting.

I got so scared that I hid in my closet where my Bible and stuff is, it’s a walk-in closet, fairly large, I study in there.

I didn’t want to wake anyone up because to be honest, I felt a bit crazy.

I know this isn’t me.

I’m not this way.

Logic.  I was using logic.

I’m not insane if I logically know these things.

So I gathered myself, came out of my closet and went to my computer.

I work on the computer, I thought, this will help take my mind off this nonsense.

When I logged on, I tried to get into my website and it was locked up.

I heard something tell me, “I’m taking that too”

Now, I have lost A LOT this year, it’s a huge trigger for me.

It was a constant voice saying it over and over, “I’m taking it all.”

That literally would be ALL.

I have lost so much this year and to take that website would be devastating for my family.

So, I cried.

I cried and I cried and then I heard another voice!

It told me, “why don’t you die already!”

Over and over and over again, “why don’t you die already?”

I froze there trying to rationalize what was going on …

I don’t want to die.

Quickly I realized, it wasn’t me talking to myself.

I was hearing voices, not just one, but two!

Over and over again I could hear them saying they were taking it all and I should just die already.

I was crying and crying so long my husband finally came in to me to see why I wasn’t ready for church yet.

I told him, “I’m not going!”

That is NOT like me.

He stayed there with me and sweetly tried to get me calm down.

He’s really good at helping me through things.

I was able to calm down a bit and tell him what was going on.

My husband is a good guy but he probably was thinking that anxiety was getting the best of me.

I made it through the day, still in  dark fog, still very shaken up – but I made it and I went to sleep that night.

I didn’t wake up the next morning..

I only remember being in the bathroom and looking down and seeing my baby dead in the bathtub.

It felt so real.

His little blue body floating there…

I remember reaching in to take him out and waking up!

I freaked out, my heart was racing and I grabbed my baby (who was alive) and began crying.

I sat there pale white, scared and completely drained of all energy and happiness.

Nothing I did could take me out of this darkness I felt.

I tried to start reading for school, I had left off in Exodus the night before..

As I was reading, it just started feeling very heavy, and I read a few chapters and just stopped.

I had a friend from bible school write me later in the day to ask me if I wanted to join her in a bible study group.

I told her yes, but I also told her, don’t expect much from me right now and for some reason, all the events of the last two days just poured out of me.

I begged her not to think I was crazy.

And she didn’t.

She did tell me that I should tell my pastors, because they could help me with this because it was obviously an attack.

Fear gripped me at the thought of it.

I was plagued by thoughts all the sudden of all the reasons I couldn’t tell the pastors..

They’ll think I’m nuts..

They’re probably too busy..

It’s a Labor day, you can’t call them..

Finally, I had to lay my pride aside and I messaged them both at the same time (they’re married).

Within about 5 minutes, I got a call.

I’ll never forget what my pastor said to me..

He told me, “The enemy is trying to steal the word from your heart, Lesley.

You’ve allowed fear to come in and you’re handing over your power to the enemy.

Greater is He that is living in you than he who is in the world.”

Immediately, pastor began to recite verse after verse and one really stood out in particular at the moment..

“..do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.” 1 Pet 4:12

I did think it was strange? 

I wasn’t even aware what was going on and I was truly afraid everyone would think I was nuts if I was to tell them what was happening to me.

Pastor got his wife on the phone, who is also a pastor and really great mentor and they both began to pray for me.

They prayed for me in a way that I had never prayed for myself.

I was in a teaching moment for sure..

It dawned on me.. “Lesley, you don’t know how to take authority over these things!”

He also asked me something, he said, “what have you been watching or seeing lately?”

Well, I had been reading the Old Testament a lot for school lately!!

When he said that I could see that those dreams were a reflection of things I had been reading!

Jacob wrestled God in his sleep…

Babies being thrown in the Nile..

I had been duped by the enemy.

The Bible isn’t bad, but NOT everything in it will build you up and bring you faith.

It’s the Word of Christ and the message of His grace that does that!  Rom 10:17, Acts 20:32

The enemy took what I had been reading and mixed it with fears I already had.

After getting off the phone that day, I felt some peace and a sense of responsibility to discover the enemy’s tactics as well as what my responses were to be.

I am SO non-confrontational that the whole idea of taking authority over the forces of darkness kinda overwhelmed me.

A few months ago, I had actually been reading the book The Believer’s Authority by Andrew Wommack and got about 3/4 of the way through it and decided, I didn’t want to do battle with the dvil and put the book down.

In hindsight, I can see how foolish I was to think that I didn’t want to do battle with the devil.

As if I was off limits because I didn’t want too?  

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I feel now.

I study this stuff in school and in books and yet, when it came time for me to put it to use, I didn’t.

Why?

Because I hate confrontation that’s why.

I grew up so insecure that I don’t know how to defend myself that well.

When I’m cornered and scared, I hide and cry rather than stand up and speak up.

Knowing this now, I can see why I was a prime target for a spiritual invasion.

Here I was clearly not interested in learning the enemy tactics and how to combat them because I put that book down!

I was awakened to this in a VERY REAL way!

This battle became SO REAL to me that today I’m still processing all the thoughts from it all.

After getting off the phone that day, immediately my friend called me from bible school.

It was perfect timing.

God-timing.

Together we made a game plan that I needed to learn the enemy’s tactics, which I thought I knew but clearly, I didn’t.

You can say things like “put on the armor of God” over and over and not really do it.

James 4:7 says,

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

I don’t have a problem submitting to God, where I was missing this was I wasn’t resisting the devil.

Even when I knew I was under attack, I cried – that’s NOT resisting.

That night my friend sent me a sermon from her church that was SO SPOT ON!

She also stayed up very late that night, into the early morning putting together lots of verses that dealt with power over darkness.

I woke up that morning to an entire arsenal of verses!

I quickly began to look up every single one and made a list of them to keep handy.

I want to have my defense ready when something like this starts forming against me.

I want to take authority over the situation by letting the enemy know his place!

The enemy wants so badly to knock me off my position in Christ.

If he can deceive me into thinking negative thoughts about myself or God…. he will.

If he can trick me into doubting God, he will.

Same tactics he used on Eve in the garden.

He duped her.  He duped me.

He’s been doing this a very long time in case you didn’t know?

To ignore the fact that this sort of thing even existed was totally naive on my part.

I’ve Learned A Lot!

I can have all the head knowledge of scripture I want but until I start taking it to heart in all areas, it’s going to do me no good.

There’s a real adversary out there and although I don’t want to become obsessed with him (not at all) to ignore the fact that he can come at you with lies and deception is leaving myself open for attack.

That’s exactly what I did.

I left myself with a target on my back that said, “hey, get me! I’m vulnerable!”

You know, I can’t say that I’m never again going to be duped.

I can’t say that I won’t walk in a darkness like that again.

But praise be to God He always makes a way out. 1 Cor 10:13

I’ve learned a lot in this last week and I’m still processing my thoughts over it but I’m not in darkness.

That cloud is gone, the Light is shining in now and I can think clearly enough to write out all this so that I can remember it and reflect on it so in case that ever happens again, I know where to go.