I recently decided to let my marriage go and get a divorce.
It’s been a while since I have been able to sit down and write because I’ve been going through a lot of changes in my life.
There’s a lot of consequences attached to a choice like that.
For the last 18 years, I have shared a place to live, children, and finances with one person and choosing to let go means that I have a larger load to carry.
I had to seriously consider what was going to be heavier on me, staying in a loveless, selfish marriage or carrying the load of all the bills and kids myself.
In a way, I always have, in the sense that I was the main source of income and the main caregiver for our kids most of the marriage.
I chose to let go.
I got married young. I got married because I was pregnant, not in love. It was a mistake from the get-go.
I never had an engagement ring, a wedding ring, a wedding dress or a real wedding. There are no wedding photos hanging up on our walls – we didn’t even share the same bedroom the entire time we were married.
We just stayed together for years out of obligation… or at least I did, he was just comfortable with me taking care of everything.
I have battled low self-worth my entire life and it all stems back to childhood traumas and experiences.
I never valued myself enough to ensure I was treated accordingly. I settled for something and someone that wasn’t God’s best for my life and all because of my low self-worth and insecurity.
The failed marriage, the eating disorders, the thumbsucking, the hair-pulling – are all the result of low self-worth.
But no more.
Just like I chose to take authority over my trichotillomania, I am choosing to take authority over other areas of my life.
For years now I have been grounding myself in the love and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. I have been solidifying my heart with my true identity in Christ and with that, I have learned to love myself more and more.
That’s why I had to let go.
It wasn’t God’s best for me, not ever.
The man was never going to change and we didn’t love one another -we were comfortable with one another in a sense.
Our kids never saw us holding hands, kissing or even sleeping in the same room. Even now as I write this, one of my favorite things about my parents is they kiss, hold hands and make dating each other a priority.
My mom isn’t married to my real dad, but my step-dad has been there for me since I was young. They’ve been married 30+ years and it’s because they married for love and kept the love going.
I am no longer holding on to what was.
There are some real concerns that I have in all this and it does cause my anxiety levels to rise and my hair-pulling urges get worse.
I’m still eating Keto, taking my supplements and doing the things I know help keep it somewhat under control during this time.
I have noticed more pulling lately and I’m doing what I can to combat it but sometimes I do it unconsciously.
I’ve strapped my Keen Bracelets back on because I definitely need more awareness now more than ever.
I’m leaning into the Lord through this whole change in my life.
I’m reading my bible, praying more, and worshipping a lot… that has been my saving grace through all this. It’s the ONE distinct thing that I can say helps me not pull so much.
Just when I thought I had my trichotillomania figured out, a major life change comes along and shows me how dependent I am on the Lord to fight this battle for me.
All the tools, diet changes, supplements, and hair care products in the world can’t do what the Lord can do for this fight.
I find myself going back to my journal a lot, not so much to track anything but just to read it and remind myself of what Jesus paid for on my behalf.
My wholeness, healing, happiness, and provision are all wrapped up in the person of Jesus Christ.
Having trichotillomania and dealing with a divorce is really a battle that is His, not mine.
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